If you haven’t been paying close attention, you might have missed my love for cereal. I eat them all. Froot Loops, Lucky Charms, Frosted Flakes, Coco Puffs, and so on. I love them all!
Well, not all. I will not eat Grape Nuts. First off, it looks like sand. Secondly, grapes don’t have nuts. They are kind of an asexual thing.
Tonight I chose to pour myself a bowl of Froot Loops. I had a hard time deciding between them and Apple Jacks. And then it dawned on me. The orange and green Foot Loops look almost identical to the Apple Jacks. I did a taste test with my son. He failed after insisting that he could tell the difference.
Apple Jacks jacked their cereal from Froot Loops. If I was that toucan, I would be pissed. Seriously, you separate out half of the cereal box by color, sprinkle a little cinnamon, lose the bird, and give it a new name. Poof! A whole new cereal is born.
And what is a Jack anyway? As a kid I can remember watching my sisters play with jacks. The cereal certainly doesn’t look like those evil things. You want me to eat Jacks for breakfast? Have you ever stepped on one of those? Ouch! Can you image choking down a bowl of Jacks?
“Thank you all for attending the cereal naming board meeting. Today we will discuss what should we name this cereal that we ripped off from the Froot Loops people.”
“Well, they are round and have a whole in the middle. I don’t know, maybe we can name them after a fruit that can’t be found anywhere in the ingredients list—like Apples. And those pointy little childhood toy! How about Apple Jacks?”
“Apple Jacks! Sir, you are a genius. They are going to make you vice president one day.”
How many cereals have capitalized on the round-circle-with-a-hole-in-the-middle design? Froot Loops. Apple Jacks. Cheerios. Cheerios is kind of the smaller dumb cousin of these cereals—the one that no one wants to be around.
“We tried to make a yummy cereal like Apple Jacks and Froot Loops, but we ended up with this dehydrated shrunken head version. No taste. At least no good taste. But I think we can still sell them if we claim that they can lower your cholesterol. Hey, three Cheers for these nasty little Oh’s.”
Seriously, don’t you think that Cheerios feels bad when its box has to sit on the shelf next to the Froot Loop or Apple Jacks. All those sad little colorless Oh’s developing a lousy self image.
“Oh Apple Jacks, you are so pretty with those cinnamon sprinkles. And you, Froot Loops, you are so awesome with that Toucan that is always following you and that hip way you spell “fruit”. I have nothing going for me. I am an ugly wimpy circle. Most people that see me attempt to cover my body up with banana slices. Woe is me. I wish I was never mass produced.”
Yeah, talking cereal. I went there.