Tag Archives: book

Sorry, My Mistake

My published book has a few typos.  And this is the Errata page.

Hey, did you even know I was selling a book?  Click this now.

I’m not proud of these errors, but I guess it wasn’t unexpected.  My son was my most active proof reader.  He was twelve at the time.  So here it is, a list of the known and reported mistakes along with an explanation on how each error came to be.  Note: The unknown errors are not yet included in this list.

Page 59:  There was a whole in the gas tank, but it was on the upper right side of the tank.

There was a hole – not a whole with a “w”.  In fact it was whole hole.  Because even a half of a hole is still a whole hole.  Kind of blows your mind.  Your hole mind.

Page 102:  Life father like son.

Like father like son.  Because “life fathers” are nothing like sons.

Page 124:  I would accept the friendship of Julia, Frosty, LeBron, and Johnathan.

This error is almost forgivable.  The individual second in the list actually spells his name “Frostee”.  I can’t be held too responsible for this one since I grew up watching that wild snowman named Frosty every Christmas season.  And Frosty the Snowman was all-living long before it became kool to spell thingz with alternate letterz.

Page 157:  The stuff does works!

Not only does this stuff work, but it worked so good that I had to say it with a plural.  It’s like working twice.

The first error took 59 pages to create.  The next came 43 pages later.  Then 22 pages passed and it happened again.  Finally, a 33 page margin passed by before the last error.  Mathematically, I produce and publish a typo every 39.25 pages.  You know what that means?  To put it another way, if the errors were days, I would make only a fraction of a mistake per month.  That is an amazing coincidence.  It just happens to line up exactly with the amazing amount of perfect that I bleed every day.

So there.  I really feel better now that I got that off my chest.  I’ll just continue my near perfection now…

By mi bok.  You’l enjoys it.

The Look Challenge

Alright, I’m in.

I just was asked to play along with one of those self-spamming games of blog-tag.  Thanks Maddie Cochere (see here and here), I have plenty of time for this sort of thing.  Can you believe I’m playing along with this time waster, blog spamming, chain-letterish concept?  It’s very unlike me.  I feel a little queasy inside.

However, since Maddie is a great individual, as well as an excellent author, I feel compelled to push through this task.  Maddie and I both live in Ohio.  Please visit her site and buy a handful of books from my dear friend.  I remember when I first ran into Maddie; it seems like a lifetime ago.  It was earlier this week—Monday, I believe.  She visited my blog.  I read hers.  Our families have never been closer.

This particular game caught my interest because it serves as a yet another means to plug my book.  The idea is to grab the nearest book and search for the first instance of the word “look”.  Once found, post what you see with a bit of context surrounding it.  So here goes…

The closest book that I can see from here is clearly the book that I wrote solely for your entertainment value: My Status Update Journey: A Quirky In-Depth Analysis of the World from the Voices in My Head.  Seriously, when I was looking for the nearest book, I raised my head up and opened my eyes and there it was right in front of my face.  It probably helped that I saw my book first because I was rolling around on a floor covered by one hundred copies of my book.  I do that a lot.  Just so you know, I kept my pants on.

So here is the text where the word “look” first appears:

The Facebook website was launched in 2004.  I was five years late to the game with my first status update.  I remember that shallow feeling I had realizing that an automated interactive computer database system was telling me that I had no friends.  Screw you little electronic chips and network cabling.  You suck too, despite that fact that you’re right.

February 15, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Aaron: Hey Marcus!  Good to see you!  I’ll suggest some friends.

How about that?  I do have friends!  And it only took 5 hours and 33 minutes to find one.  Hey look!  The friends are rolling in now!

February 16, 2009 at 2:55 am
Michael: Good to see you on FB. Hope all is well.

This particular friend was way ahead of the times.  He used “FB” instead of typing out the whole name.  So damn hip.  I’ll bet he already had hundreds of friends compared to my total of two.  After all, he stayed up well past midnight accumulating friends by the dozens using his way-cool abbreviations.  Say, maybe he was the first person that actually was seen rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-out-loud.

I can do this Facebook thing.  I know I can!  The next morning came around and I had yet to update my status.  People would begin questioning whether I was going to be a Facebook user or a Facebook loser.  Quick, self!  Tell the world something.  There’s no time to waste!

Here ends the Look Challenge.

So that’s all you get.  Was playing the Look challenger and reading along to this point worth your time?  I’ll bet it was!

In conclusion, I joined the Look Challenge so that you can be bombarded by one more attempt to put my book in front of your eyes.  Mission accomplished.  But wait!  I’m adding one more step to this challenge—a responsibility that you, the reader of this text, must complete.  You need to go to amazon and post a review for me.  I would be a very, very, very grateful person for your actions.  And that’s a lot of ‘very’.  Consider it—oh you wonderful reader of my blog.  Only then, will our new relationship become as tight as Maddie’s and mine.

…and I’ll say nice things about you too.  You can choose from the following:

1)        {Your name here} is a great individual—one of the smartest people I know!
2)        {Your name here} is an amazing and caring person.
3)        When you need to enhance the life of the party, you can count on {your name here}.
4)        {Your name here} does not suck!

Buy my book.  {Your name here} loved it!

Automatic Flusher

The following text was taken from the book that I continue to shamelessly plug with the link at the end of each of my blog entries.  Click it this time, would you?  And when you arrive at the amazon page, buy it too.  You can also “click inside the book” at amazon and read the first fifteen or so pages.  Enjoy!

My Status Update Journey: A Quirky In-Depth Analysis of the World from the Voices in My Head

This could be yours!

August 6, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Marcus Matherne: I can’t stand when the toilet flushes before you’re finished.

This might get a little too personal, but I’m willing to give it a go.

So you’re sitting there doing your business on one of those fancy automatic flushing toilets.  The toilet paper is contained in a mounted industrial size holder.  In the ideal case, you reach for the exposed hanging trail of paper, tear off a piece, finish the job, and you’re out.  Done.  Nothing to it.  However in my world, the toilet paper container is mounted just a bit too low and I have to lean awkwardly forward to grab the loose end which, by the way, is hiding up inside the contraption and is not willing to show itself.  While I’m scratching at the roll, rotating it all the way around for the third time searching for the mysteriously missing loose end, the little magic eyeball gizmo makes a ruling that I must be on my way to standing up, and thus signals the start of the flushing process.

It freaks me out!

First off, the splash factor is simply bad news.  Gross!  It might be different if the water giving you the misting was absolutely fresh, but I’m not even sure that would be acceptable.  I can’t say I’ve ever tried the bidet style of toilet, but it just doesn’t seem like a good idea.  I’ll pass.

Secondly, there is the surprise of the noise.  Public toilets often have the most powerful water pressure to ensure a low probability of creating a clog.  Loud.  Startling.  Being surprised with your pants at your ankles could easily cause and injury that is very difficult to explain to a doctor in the emergency room.

The doctor inquires, “How did you cut your forehead, Mr. Matherne?”

“Premature flushing,” I respond.

“Oh, of course.  I hate when that happens.”

And how does that magic eyeball thing work anyway?  I have a theory that it is actually a camera, and that it is actually someone’s job to monitor the stall and commence flushing at the appropriate time.

Here is a possibility of what the training manual may contain.

“When you see the ass lowering to a seated position, be ready to take action.  Wait for the user to complete his/her business.  As the ass is returning to the upright and standing position, activate the flush sequence.  Take all precautions to avoid premature flushing as this may cause injury to the user of the toilet.”

Have you ever stood up and there is a slight delay before the flush begins?  That is due to the networking delay introduced by outsourcing this job overseas.

Think about it.  I may be on to something.

Buy my book and read it on a toilet.

Closed The Cover: Interview

The following has been re-blogged by me.  It came from an awesome site found at:

www.closedthecover.com

Thank you AshLilee The Bookworm!

08/03/2012

Do you remember back in May of 2012 when I read and reviewed a little book called “My Status Update Journey” by Marcus Matherne?  It has been one of the funniest books I’ve read in a long time and I highly recommend that you buy and read it immediately if you have not yet bought it and read it.  No excuses about not knowing where to buy it either, you can buy it here for about $14.95 and it’s worth every penny.
Now, that being said, a few days ago I e-mailed Marcus and asked him if he would be willing to provide me with a quick interview since I still have his book on my shelf to provide a few laughs during my times of need.  He kindly obliged and his responses were nearly as funny as his book.  If you laugh, chuckle, or even smile during the below interview you should buy his book.
Get to Know the Author 1.
What inspired you to write My Status Update Journey?  I’ve really enjoyed using Facebook over the years.  Writing funny stuff to make people smile is a fun outlet for me.  When I found Facebook’s “download all of your statuses” button and started reading years of my silly entries, I found myself inspired by a handful of my “friends” stroking my ego with some their responses that said things like, “you’re my funniest Facebook friend”, “I laugh out loud at almost everything you write”, and “your statuses don’t suck”.   As I was reading all this downloaded good stuff, my brain was filling in the stories between the statuses.  “Hey, I remember when that happened.  I wrote that status because…”  From there I just started writing and filling in the gaps on what I was thinking then and now.  Somewhere along the way, I changed my writing hobby into a challenge for myself:  Can I get this published?
2. You describe you, your wife and your sons as a very close-knit family. Were they all supportive of your book idea? What was their initial reaction when you told them you were going to turn your Facebook posts into a book?  My entire family has fully supported me pushing this effort all the way to publication.  My wife is so incredibly awesome because she would stand behind any idea that she sees making me happy.  Except for maybe walking sideways along the edge of a bridge.  Because, you know, she would fall off.  My older son will listen to my Facebook statuses and either say “Good one!” or “Dad, you’re so dumb.”  My younger son was very excited about the whole book thing.  He served as my biggest proofreader so any mistakes that you see in the book are clearly his fault—and I have found a handful since publishing it.  Apparently he makes a crappy eleven-year-old editor.  He also was completely convinced that this book would sell a million copies and bring fame and fortune to our family (but mainly to him).  The fame and fortune hasn’t happened yet and he is only recently beginning to understand the enormity of the marketing problem.  I wish he would come up with a brilliant eleven-year-old marketing strategy.
4. What has been the toughest criticism given to you as an author? The best compliment?  I once had a complete stranger walk up to me and say “I wish I was as tall as you.”  I took it as a compliment because he was less than average height but not exactly vertically challenged.  A good looking guy.  He was the type of guy that could have easily have become one of my friends.  He was with this lady who added that she really liked the shirt I was wearing.  Oh wait, you mean a complement about my book!  Sorry, people tell me that they like it.  Toughest criticism (about my book)?  Hasn’t happened yet.  Everyone that reads my works will muster up a smile somewhere along the way.  Or maybe my book hasn’t reached enough of the public to have “the bitter reviewer” crawl out of the woodwork.  I’m almost looking forward to the first “You suck” review.  At least then I’ll know that there is someone out there who doesn’t know how to properly review a book.
5. Can you tell us about your challenges in getting your first book published?  After you write a manuscript and send it off to a publisher, you quickly learn that any two-bit hack can publish a book.  The real challenge lies in the marketing of that book.  I have not yet figured out how to make the book “go”.  Friends and acquaintances have told me to simply host my own book signing in my own home. I can’t seem to do it. It feels awkward. How do you invite your friends and family to come over for the purpose of selling them your book?  “Say, I’m having a get-together next weekend. Swing by! Oh, and don’t forget your wallet.” Or how about this? “You are cordially invited to attend a book signing in my home. During this event, not only can you feed my ego, but you can give me cash too.”
6. I am aware that your Facebook account is still active, considering that you liked my page, can readers expect a sequel?  I was thinking about killing off the characters in the next book.  And then I remembered that the stories were all about my family.  I discuss the concept with them.  We, as a family, decided that it would not be in our best interests.  I was thinking about compiling my blog stories into more of a story line rather than the random topic jumper that my book turned out to be.  That a good thing though, right?  I’m still kicking the idea around.  For now I’ll just keep writing more and more entries to my blog.  Check back in a year or so.
7. Which came first? That Funny Blog which is hosted on WordPress or My Status Update Journey?  The book was definitely first.  “ThatFunnyBlog” was started as an additional attempt at marketing my book—still searching for that fame and fortune.  At the end of each blog entry, I have a link to where my book is being sold.  I tried to be cute about the link each time by changing the wording to reflect something about the blog entry.  For instance, if the story was about dropping a weight on my head, the link might say “Buy my book because it will not hurt if it hits you in the head!”
8. Your book, your blog, and your Facebook posts are all very funny.  Is your humor hereditary? Is your family funny?  No, I don’t think it’s hereditary, but you can warp your children into having an odd sense of humor.  My son always tells me immediately after I say something funny that he was going to say that too.  I guess that when I’m an old man and he is my age, I’ll be a grumpy and pissed that he is able to reach the punch line before me.  Growing up and even now, my older sister would laugh at anything I would say.  She was an easy audience.  I would say, “I just put food on my head!” and she would laugh and pee herself.  I’m not saying that made me a funny guy, but it helped build my confidence.
9. I am making an assumption here by assuming that you enjoy good comedy. Do you have any favorite comedians who have shaped your humor?  I do!  I wonder how people don’t.  I like the clean comedians out there like Brian Reagan, Demetri Martin, and Jim Gaffigan.  I like a good dirty joke too, and sometimes my writing goes there as well.  But for the most part, I observe so much in my world that makes the voices in my head laugh.  And since I don’t frequent brothels, most of the funny scenarios I find have a good clean source.  I find so much funny stuff in places like the grocery store.  Our local store has an aisle sign stating that you will find “Healthy Living” and “Candy” in the same aisle.  I bet I can write a whole page about the insanity of that! Oh, and do me a favor and make sure Jim Gaffigan reads this.  He is noted in my book and I am patiently waiting on his phone call.
Get to Know the Man
1. What do you do when you are not writing?  My boys are at that age where their sports rule my world.  We are involved with baseball, cross country, wrestling, and lacrosse.  So when the season is in full swing, we are in full taxi mode.  Oh, and I have a day job.  I have an Electrical Engineering degree and there aren’t too many projects that allow me to spout comedy.  Actually there are exactly zero.  Zero point zero, in fact.
2. What was your childhood ambition?  This question makes an assumption that I actually had a childhood ambition.  To be honest, I have such an incredibly poor memory that I can’t actually answer this question.  My mother wasted a lot of effort providing me childhood memories that should have lasted a lifetime.  She could have just put me in a closet and check on me every now and then.  Hey, maybe she did!  I can’t remember.
3. What is your life motto?  Make people smile.  They seem happier that way.
4. Do you prefer a printed book or e-edition?  I still like the paper kind.  You know that scent the fresh paper when you first open a new book?  You can flip through the pages with your thumb and let that smell rush over your face while inhaling deeply.  Your nose just far enough away from the pages to avoid paper cuts.   Try that with a Kindle.  Not so much.  It just smells like whatever your hands smell like.
5. What is your connection to Snoop Dogg? When I wrote about you on my WordPress blog Snoop Dogg came up as a suggested tag, I expect that they know something that I, and your other readers, do not.  Do you care to explain?  Yeah, we go way back.  Recently Snoop came up with this crazy idea of changing his name.  He kept calling me night and day, desperately looking for my approval.  I finally got so fed up with all the voice mails and the constant barrage of text messages, that I said, “Fine!  Change your name.  But ‘Snoop Cat’ sounds dumb.  Go with ‘Snoop Lion’ instead.”

Status Updates

I decided to write this blog for one reason: the joy of writing and entertaining readers. Isn’t that two reasons? It is. And it’s a total bold face lie too. The fact is, I needed another avenue for book sales. You see, I wrote a book. I did it on a whim and then decided that I had to publish it to complete the hobby. So I did. I’m actually proud of my effort. Is there any chance that you didn’t know that I was trying to sell a book? If you didn’t notice the links on this blog, I would have to categorize you the most focused person in the world. He is your game plan: “I’m clicking into this guy’s blog and I’m reading the latest entry. Nothing more. I will not have my eyes stray from the words of his story. Stay focused. I will not be tempted by those pesky links off to the side. I will read the latest story and upon completion, immediately close my browser.”

The title of my book is “My Status Update Journey: A Quirky In-Depth Analysis of the World from the Voices in My Head”. My book is written a lot like my blog stories and entries. Well, not this one. It would be kind of weird to try to market your book inside your book. My book tells the story of my Facebook statuses over a three year time period. Only it’s more than that. There are a zillion books out there stuffed full of one-liner status updates. My book is not that. The book details my train of thought at the time, my actions leading up to the status updates, the flashbacks to the stories of my world long ago. Book reviewers (people honestly not related to me) tell me that the book is a good one, a five star read, and all that. So why hasn’t it sold a million copies? Simple. Marketing is not easy. It stinks.

It's a book cover picture.  Judge it!

Recently, I called a neighborhood book shop and asked if they do book signings for local authors. She said that they did host them in the past, but not anymore. Then she asked me what my book was about. I was glad that the conversation played out in that order. If she asked me about my book first, and then came up with the excuse on why she wouldn’t host me in their shop, I would have felt much worse. The conversation didn’t go too much farther. She explained that the hassle of setting up flyers and posters and floor space did not drive enough customers into the store to make it worth their trouble.

“Your trouble? Um, I don’t care what-so-ever about your ‘trouble’. All I care about is me and my book sales. Glorious me! Me! Me! Me!” And the call ended. That’s not really the exact way it played out, but that is how I could have handled it since the outcome would have been the exact same.

Friends and acquaintances have told me to simply host my own book signing in my own home. I can’t seem to do it. It feels awkward. How do you invite your friends and family to come over for the purpose of selling them your book?

“Say, I’m having a get-together next weekend. Swing by! Oh, and don’t forget your wallet.” Or how about this? “You are cordially invited to attend a book signing in my home. During this event, not only can you feed my ego, but you can give me cash too.”

What I really need is a famous person. If I had my very own famous person, my book sales would shoot through the roof! And I would treat my very own famous person very nicely. I promise. All I need is a tweet seen by someone with a gazillion followers. People would race to purchase and read my book because Ernest Borgnine, Elizabeth Taylor, or Amy Winehouse said they enjoyed the book.

What? Hold on a second… My proofreader just informed me that I need to update my list of famous people.

Ok, how about Bob & Tom, George Clooney, or Jim Gaffigan? If they simply hinted at enjoying the contents of the book, amazon.com would have trouble keeping copies on the shelf. Except that, amazon.com doesn’t really have a shelf. But the virtual shelf would begin to virtually collapse. And I would be virtually pleased! By this point in reading this particular blog entry, you must be thinking, “How can help?” So here is a short list of different things you can do to help me.

Go amazon.com and search for “Marcus Matherne” or use this address

http://amzn.com/1432789198

and actually buy the book. Clearly that would help the book sales by at least one. You can buy more than one if you wish. I tried to make my amazon.com book and author pages amusing as well, so take the time a read the details found there. You’ll smile about it, whether you like it or not.

There is a “Click to look inside the book” where you can read the first chunk of pages. Post a review of the book on the amazon.com book page, even after reading just the sample. I won’t actually tell anyone that you did not read the entire book. I don’t think the amazon.com police will come knocking at your door. And even if they do, I think it’s just a misdemeanor and easy to get removed from your record.

Share this blog out to your Facebook and twitter accounts. How about your pinterest page? Assuming you’re female. Do any men out there have a pinterest page? I think there is ban against it. I need your help in making this visible! Be my little spammers. Nice spammers. Let’s go viral baby!

And finally, would someone get me a famous person, please?

PS- Stay tuned.  More stories are forthcoming with no desparate pleas to purchase my book.

buy my book!

Starting now.