Monthly Archives: January 2013

Helpful Product Review

People have been enjoying reading my words and that action brings me my own joy.  I truly enjoy writing this blog and picturing people smiling.  But recently I’ve been thinking, “What purpose does this serve?  Who am I helping?  How can I contribute more significantly to society?  How did Honey Boo Boo get so popular?  Why hasn’t Julia Roberts called me yet?  How many M&M’s can I put in my mouth at one time?”

Sorry, I’m getting off track.

So, I truly think I can help society.  I am an intelligent individual with knowledge to share.  “Perhaps”, I thought, “I can take a stab at doing a product review!”  Sure, do that.  People can benefit from my review of a particular product.  In fact, I too can benefit from this endeavor.  I’ll review a product that I have never used before.

Always Maxi Pads

You might find this product review a little odd since it is coming from a middle-aged man.  But here goes.

I have absolutely no idea how this product performs.  There is no way I can personally gain any real insight on how effectively this product handles the situation that it was designed for.  I’ve opened a few boxes, studied the individual wrappings, extended their wings, threw them around the room, and yet still, I have nothing to offer to help you decide on whether this is brand is right for you.

I can however tell you this.  Their wings do not help their flight what-so-ever.  Five to ten feet at best.  You’d be better off just playing with paper airplanes if long distance flight is your goal.  Although, if you ignore the wings and toss with a Frisbee style motion, you can achieve much longer distances.

There is another aspect of this product that rubs me wrong.  The name—“Always”.  After conducting several interviews with people who have used this product routinely in the past, a general consensus became obvious.  The name is all wrong.  When using this product, apparently the last thing that operator wants to consider is that the situation is going to last for “always” or for “forever”.  Why not just call the product “Constant Cramps” or “Forever Pain”?  The users of this product all agreed that a better name for this product would be “Never”.

So in summary, my research concludes that this product provides very little fun.  Furthermore, the poor choice of the branding name “Always” will be this products downfall and will not stand the test of time.  Period.

Buy my book for superior tossing distance.

Reword

My crazy little language, English, got the voices in my head thinking too much again.  There are a lot of words hanging around out there that begin with an “RE”.  Typically you can add these two little letters to the front of a word and POOF!  It now means that you are doing it for at least the second time.

You aligned it once.  Now you can align it again.  Realign.

You built it yesterday.  Someone knocked it over.  Now you can build it again.  Rebuild.  You catching on?

Someone was on the radio rebuking the way our government operates.  They were not satisfied with the amount of government money being spent and they were publicly rebuking the plan.  Which means to me, that they were once dissatisfied and now they are dissatisfied again.  Everywhere you look, you’ll find people buking the government.  And they’ll do it again at some point.  They’ll buke and then they’ll rebuke.

With evil dictators ruling with an iron fist, I always enjoy hearing news stories about that one special person that cruits people for a possible bellion.  Sometimes their fight doesn’t succeed the first time, but then someone else recruits more people for the rebellion.

I’m in church the other day singing songs and praising Jesus.  Somewhere in the lyrics was the word “rejoice”.  Suddenly I’m thinking to myself, “Hey, I don’t recall joicing in the Lord to begin with.  And here I am skipping directly to rejoicing.”  If you don’t actually joice in the first place, you can’t possibly rejoice.  That’s impossible and maybe even hypocritical!

The word reread really makes me think.  Its either reading something twice or “ading” something four times.

I think I’ll stop now because I’m pretty sure this blog entry is redumb.  It was dumb to start with and then it was dumb again.

If you own my book you can reread it.  Maybe even rereread it.

Stop

While I was out and about today I passed by another road sign that gave me pause.  I didn’t actually go on pause, because that would be dangerous while driving.  I simple accepted the pause and pondered it.  I read the sign and said to myself, “Bob, you should blog about that one.”  It’s kind of odd because my name is Marcus.  That’s probably why I didn’t bother responding.

The sign said, “Be Prepared to Stop”.  This got me thinking—perhaps too much.  But I do that a lot.

What is going on here, on this particular road, that I should be issued this cautionary warning?  If you are driving a vehicle, whether it is a full sized truck or a smart car, you probably should be prepared to stop during every second of your entire trip.  You should not rely on the occasional road side sign to suggest an intelligent, well-thought-out, course of action.  You should, in fact, be prepared to stop as soon as you begin you journey—from the first moment you take your foot off the brake pedal all the way to the point you put the car back into park.

Be prepared to stop.

Seriously this is some good advice.  Perhaps this sign should be posted in other locations where people tend to congregate.  How about at the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet?  Be prepared to stop.  You are about to feel like hell.

The girl scouts should post this sign on all of their boxes of cookies.  Be prepared to stop.  You are about to eat an entire sleeve of thin mints.  Twice.

But then I was thinking that maybe this seemingly random sign of good advice could possibly be sending the wrong message.  What if someone was driving along thinking about a major life decision?  Perhaps this person was thinking about jumping into an opportunity of a lifetime, but was hesitating because of an irrational fear of the risks associated with chasing his lifelong dream.  He looks up.  He sees the sign.  Be prepared to stop.  He then cancels the whole concept and continues his mundane life of working in a dark office cubicle.

The sign needs to have additional signs to clarify how to handle all of the possible scenarios that may be in play.

Be Prepared to Stop.  Always When Driving.  With Caution While Eating.  Never When Chasing Your Dreams.

Maybe there wasn’t enough room on the telephone pole.  I can’t remember because I didn’t stop.  But I was prepared to stop.

Be prepared to stop, and then buy my book.

The Coffee Quiz!

So here is The Coffee Quiz! Not just any coffee quiz, but “The” coffee quiz with an exclamation point as well. A fellow blogger prodded me to fork over my answers. Ok I guess, but I’m not a coffee drinker. Thanks Maddie. Like I need homework.

- How many cups of coffee per day?
I will not drink it here or there. I will not drink it anywhere.
I might have some copyright issues with this response. So, zero, is my real answer.
- What is your favorite caffeine delivery system?
Currently I have decided remove cola from my world. Since the New Year I have had zero pop. Zero soda for that matter. So my favorite delivery system is/was cola-cola – main lined from a dirty syringe. I would never dream of simply drinking it.
- What was your best cup of coffee?
This is a tough one since I am not a coffee drinker. I would have to say it was a tall glass of coffee with cold milk, hold the coffee. A lot of people call this simply a glass of milk, but I see it as my best cup of coffee.
- What was your worst cup of coffee?
This memory is too painful to talk about. I have petitioned The Coffee Quiz! committee to allow me to skip this section of the quiz. The final ruling is expected any day now. Until then, I will hold this horrible memory in silence.
- What does your favorite mug say?
My favorite mug does not actually have the ability to speak. So, it also remains silent.  I have a couple of greeting cards that actually speak.  If only this was The Greeting Card Quiz!
- How do you take your coffee?
Somehow this question feels like a repeat. I take my coffee with milk. One hundred percent milk. Zero percent coffee.
- When was your first cup?
I think I have tried coffee from time to time. The last attempt was many years ago now. Probably a decade at least. I can’t begin to enjoy coffee due to remembering this guy I worked with a couple of decades ago. His coffee breath was strong enough to melt my desire to enjoy a cup of coffee. What if I was that guy with the coffee breath? I can’t push past that memory.
- Have you ever gone on a coffee date?
Actually, this is where the quiz would actually apply to me. The wife and I go to this little coffee shop on our date nights. We simply hang out there. She is a fake coffee drinker. This means that she’ll order something with a ton of sweet stuff in it and a splash of actual coffee. I guess that makes it an actual coffee order. I always order the hot chocolate.

So there you have it. The Coffee Quiz! has come to completion. It was everything I dreamed it would be.
Can you image dreaming of The Coffee Quiz!? That would be one lame dream.
Buy my book for your coffee table.

The Subway Dash

My family and I got to witness an event that just made me smile. Ear to ear! The amount of joy was overwhelming. I know that there is something wrong with me, but I can’t help finding happiness and joy in the oddest of places.  It’s a good thing, right?

We were all enjoying a meal at Subway. Well, maybe the word choice of “enjoying” is a bit strong. My family and I were all stomaching a meal at Subway. My wife was distributing the food to her boys while the straw wrappers were bombarding her from both sides. Actually, three sides. She is raising three boys—one of which she decided to married a long time ago. Her choice.  She knew what she was doing.

For those of you who don’t know what a Subway restaurant is, you must not be from around here. From around Earth, that is. If you really don’t know, Google it—as soon as you figure out what Google is.

When all of a sudden, this well dressed man comes barging in. In a major hurry. As in, get-out-of-my-way hurry! There was a definite urgency in his arrival. Was he near death from lack of food? Was he malnourished? Did he ingest a poison that required a cold-cut-combo as an antidote?

Nope. His first stop was the men’s room. How utterly degrading. This poor soul had a biological break down and was forced to make an emergency deposit at the Subway. And my whole family was there to watch it unfold. Yes, it is true, we all discussed this man’s plight in great detail while he was behind closed door arriving at the end game of his ordeal. Success was his.

Upon emerging from his relief zone, he got in line to order. When he reached the front of the line, he declined to order a sub, and instead grabbed a simple bag of chips. He then paid for his less-than-one dollar bag of chips and was on his way.

At heart you may find his action to be the actions of a good man. He used Subway’s restroom and felt so much relief that he obligated himself to repay them by spending a dollar. He felt it was the right thing to do. However, as a public service to you, the reader of this text, I need to let you know how to properly execute the Dump and Run. It’s really quite simple. You enter, dump, and run. There is no need to purchase anything—especially a bag of chips that you don’t even want.

There is only one other rule that you should consider and it actually goes hand in hand with the Run part. Avoid eye contact with the employees. Do you really think the teenager working the sandwich assembly line wants to interact with you—the man who obviously just destroyed the restroom that he’ll have to be cleaning at closing time? No, I think not. Exiting as swiftly as you entered is the appropriate course of action. If this were an actual subway, would you feel obligated to get on the train and travel to the next stop? No, I don’t think so.

So the next time you feel that overwhelming urge, remember what you’ve read here. It’s a simple two step process. One, dump. Two, run. Dump and run. And do nothing else.

Buy my book to have handy during your next Dump and Run.