Toilet Training

Have you heard the story about the man who uses the toilet at a Home Depot only to find himself super glued to the toilet seat?  I recently got to hear this story again.  It seems like it surfaces on the internet every eight months or so.  The description of the story is always attributed to a real major news source.  Even without that, I have no reason to believe that the story is a fake.  It certainly could have happened, and it probably did.  However, the following is what I have issues with?

Who drops their pants and jumps right on to a public toilet?  The poor soul that got his rump glued to the seat is also a gross poor soul.  There is a protocol that must be followed.

1)        Open the stall door.  Observe the toilet.  If “full” move to the next stall.
2)        Enter the stall and close the door behind you.
3)        Use a foot to flush the toilet to ensure a fresh bowl.  Do this even if the bowl appears fresh.
4)        Wipe the seat.  Use an enormous amount of toilet paper to ensure that absolutely no finger parts actually touch the seat.
5)        Cover the seat with multiple layers of paper.  Consider three layers to be a minimum.
6)        Drop pants to knees.  Do not push to ankles as this will increase the probability of your clothing touching the bathroom floor.
7)        Finish the job as quickly as possible.

The remaining steps of this protocol are obvious and are left to the reader as an exercise.

So what did this guy do?  He ran right in and plopped down on to a seat of glue.  If he had followed the steps above, the incident would have never occurred due to the failed execution of step four.  Instead of his bum being stuck to the seat, a wad of toilet paper would have taken his place.  Perhaps a finger or two if step four was executed poorly.

Can you imagine the subsequent humiliation of having to call out for help?  This action is almost worse than the original cruel joke.  Can you picture how that goes?

“Hey out there!  I’m stuck on the toilet in here and need some help.”

“Dude, I know.  We all have those kinds of days, but there is no way I’m gonna help ya.”

“No, I mean my ass is glued to the seat.”

“I hear ya.  This one day I was on the throne for over two hours.  It was horrible dude, but you’re still on your own man.”

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8 responses to “Toilet Training

  1. Ha Ha! I’ve also heard of a story where the bowl has instead been covered with plastic wrap. Rule #1 would also take care of this situation. It’s an excellent rule!

  2. As a fellow germaphobe, I salute you! Also, too, I would add to #6, sit somewhat forward on seat so that pants do not rub against toilet and if this is not possible, then hold scrunched up pants away from toilet edge. Pants touching the toilet front where everyone dribbles is a big No No.

  3. I can’t believe there are people out there who don’t follow those 7 steps! Gross…but so funny. Hopefully he learned his lesson. ;)

  4. monocochlearmutineer

    On a slightly different tangent, here’s a sign I’d like to see:
    “My aim is to keep the bathroom clean. Your aim would… Never mind. Just grab the mop would you, old boy?”

Thoughts? Go.

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